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The 5s injury crisis deepened this week as two more "regulars" joined the ever increasing list of crocked stars; Roger "Ronan O’Gara" Gilpin laddered his tights in the first half but strugggled on until half-time before realising that the last time he stayed on the pitch when injured saw him awarded Dick of the Day for playing badly and Graham "Chocolate Chick" Chalmers pulled something despite being warned before kick-off to warm up properly. The fact that he only arrived about 30 seconds before the game began (for reasons beyond his control) was the only reason he avoided being awarded Dick of the Day.

On top of these further disasters the team took to the pitch with only 14 men due to a management mix up and got tonked by a solid Portadown side. The league title is now well beyond the 5s grasp which is possibly the most depressing aspect of Saturday’s performance.

Although the score line looks grim the team actually stuck at the task in hand and for long periods put Portadown under pressure but were just unable to finish off with a score. The pack in particular dominated large chunks of possession but with only 7 men which rapidly became 6 when Roger went off they were always going to be up against it. The lineout, as usual, functioned well with Jamesy filling in at Hooker excellently and Coops on occasions picking off Portadown ball forcing them to throw speculative efforts to the back. The scrum was however, effectively destroyed and Neil constantly found himself getting hammered as he attempted to salvage the ball.

In the backs a late cry-off (11am on Saturday morning) at scrumhalf left us having to cajole Brian Corry into filling in and to be fair to him he had an excellent game although his passing lacked the polished crispness of an out-and-out No. 9. The rest of the backs struggled on but never really looked too dangerous especially with Chick hobbling around on the blind-side wing before finally succumbing and limping off. When Roger finally left the field Philly filled in at out-half with some effect but nearly found himself with the Dick of the Day award for the second week running following a speculative attempted volley of a pass from Brian which he completely missed much to the Portadown players and spectators amusement!

Man of the Match was difficult to award on such a day with Ian Thompson receiving a nomination for sticking at the task in hand despite being nearly 40 points down with 12 men on the pitch. Coops also stuck at the job and did excellently in the lineout and received a nomination despite threatening yet again to retire prior to kick-off. Neil Elliott also had a good game clearing up scrappy scrum ball and running at the opposition at every opportunity. In the end the award went to Brian Corry as he was Quins most dangerous player despite playing out of position and on the back foot for much of the game.

Dick of the Day was quite difficult to award due to the number of candidates eligible this week. Chick just missed out for twanging his groin as did Philly for his attempted volleyed clearance and Eddie was a strong candidate for the tantrum he threw before the game which continued during and after (for about 5 minutes). However, as the debate was going on team captain Rob Calvert came on the phone from the club where he’d been attending the pre-match lunch and was unanimously presented with the award mainly for managing to avoid this latest debacle and spend the day getting drunk in the warmth of Deramore. As he wasn’t there to defend himself it was felt that he should take the flak this week even though he can’t be faulted for the early morning cry off which really put us in the ****. Anyway, Marcus is clear proof that you don’t even need to be playing to win a nomination for this prestigious award and tradition dictates that he should receive a nomination this week too.

Next week the 5s visit fellow strugglers Randalstown but with Eddie, Wally, Chick, Andy Nixon, Roger, Rob, Barney and Marcus out for the foreseeable future and Ally McCulloch threatening to cry-off injured another uphill struggle is expected this week. Still, we shall prevail…

Team: 1. Ian Thompson 2. James Graham 3. Mark McCartney 4. Pete Stewart 5. Richard Cooper 6. A N Other 7. David Vincent 8. Neil Elliott 9. Brian Corry 10. Roger O’Gilpin 11. Willy 12. Chick Chalmers (capt.) 13. Ally McCulloch 14. Angus Mills 15. Philly.

Man-of-the-Match: Brian Corry

Dick-of-the-Day: Rob Calvert

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